Gonna show my age here (and my cheesy taste in film and music), but I absolutely loved Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves. And I’m still not bored of that Brian Adams song. But here’s the thing… in the song, when Brian croons about his undying love, he mentions that he’d die for her. He probably meant it. And Bruno Mars swears he’d catch a grenade and take a bullet through the brain for his love. He probably meant it too. Now I don’t want to sound ungrateful but… please guys, I’m not saying we wouldn’t die for you (we put our lives on the line every time we have your babies) but until we are called upon to make the ultimate sacrifice, we’ll be getting on with all the mundane tasks of keeping you warm and cosy in our homes. We’d love it if you did too. It doesn’t make for great song lyrics, but what would make us swoon is :

I’ll hoover the floors for you,

Clean the bathroom and the loo,

Put the clothes in the wash for you,

Even hang them out nicely too.

I’ll cook thrice a week for you

Throw away the take out menu

Fill the fridge with veggies for you

Take heed of expiry dates too

I’ll take out the bins for you

Do good recycling and composting too

I won’t drive as though it’s a race

Be chilled out, give the others space

Won’t cycle like a crazy dude

Like the ones who deliver food

Won’t take stoopid risks I swear

See the docs and get the all clear

I’ll be in your team for sure

Together we will grow mature…

Ok, it turns out I’m no poet, but you get the gist!

Can I also add that Maid Marion was doing just fine before Robin returned from gallivanting at the service of Good King Richard. Plus, hate to be all pedantic but… if so-called Good king Richard hadn’t decided to go invade distant lands, he wouldn’t have left Bad King John in the unenviable position of having to raise monstrous taxes to fund the war AND the ridiculous ransom that the devious and cunning King of France demanded to release brother Ricky. Just saying…

The thing is, while the guys have historically taken the humongous brunt of heroically dying for us to defend our freedoms (most notably commemorated in Normandy recently to honour those who died on D Day), it ought to be noted that women were not allowed to enroll. There would always have been a few, like Mulan, who’d have found a way to sneak in, and there have been odd examples of women, like Joan of Arc, who have brazenly led armies despite their extra X chromosome. But mostly  the women have been clearing up as ambulance drivers and nurses. We’d really rather not. We’d really rather the guys stayed alive and well. We’d very much appreciate it if wars would stop happening,  but failing that, we’re thrilled that we now have the opportunity to be joint heroines despite our pesky uterus which, it turns out, isn’t as much of a liability as was once feared! And, FYI, we’re just as likely to be parents as our male counterparts. We’d rather fight by the men’s side than suffer the devastating consequences of being defenseless war trophies.

So please could we stop glorifying male bravado. Perhaps we could stop selling weapons to men who purchase them  with the best intentions (to protect their women from other over-weaponised guys) but who, horrifyingly often, end up using them in fits of rage or jealousy to kill the women they claim to love and meant to protect. Because,  as John Lennon sang: “I didn’t mean to make you cry, I’m just a jealous guy.” I’m pretty sure he meant that: he truly didn’t mean to hurt her. The problem is that the jealous guy is always forgiven precisely because it’s understood that he’d die for her. But guys, please believe us, we need you by our side, so if you could work on Staying Alive, Staying Alive,  that’d be awesome!