Sometimes you have to pick a side. I get that. And sometimes it’s easy. Like Ukraine over Russia. Or: literally anyone other than Trump. Mostly we trust our gut to choose a side but sometimes it’s a bit more complex. Picking a side ought to involve listening to all the conflicting arguments and really understanding where the each side is coming from. Because when you really listen, you can always hear the anguish behind the bravado, and even if you couldn’t disagree more, you can’t help feeling some sympathy for the opposite camp. There’s always a wee bit of centre ground as long as both parties are prepared to find it and move towards it. But for that to happen, both sides need to be able to speak their truth, from their guts, without fear of acquiring pariah status. Respectfully, of course, there’s no need for bad etiquette!

Easier said than done, obviously. And made more difficult by the fear of serious repercussions if we are judged to have come to the wrong conclusion. Fear of being cancelled/no platformed isn’t good for healthy debate. Instead of cancel-culture which denies free speech, we should learn to express our opinions as if we were all in the Radio 4 studio. It’s extraordinary, really, how those presenters can engage their guests in a spirited debate about any number of  complex issues and yet the tone remains civil, no insults are hurled at anyone, and people politely agree to differ. Even the most radical people who would normally not bother to control the vitriol that pours out of their mouths will endeavour to sound reasonable when interviewed for the Today show. Some would argue that this ultra thin veneer of respectability is what makes these people dangerous but it’s not too hard to see through, and, most importantly, they are allowed to hold their unpleasant opinions because we live in a free country. But with freedom comes responsibility. Responsibility to listen to both sides of each and every debate. And I suspect that what you find on both extremes of every conflict is fear. Fear makes us blind and dumb. We should recognise that it’s OK to feel fear and distrust; normal, even. And we should never forget that our so called enemies are equally fearful for exactly the same reasons: fear of change, fear of losing out, fear of unjust outcomes, fear of being (or being perceived) weak, fear of losing face, fear of being wrong, fear of being misunderstood… nobody wants to be wrong, no-one wants to lose out, everyone wants justice, nobody wants to be trampled on by people they perceive as unjustly powerful.

Midwives have always had to try to reconcile the  medical model of care with the more holistic woman centred approach. When I first started, this was a truly difficult task because the medical model was inherently patriarchal and anyone advocating for a bit more choice and a whole lot more respect was a trouble maker. I was a home birth midwife in those early years, so no prizes for guessing which camp I was in! I loved the really individualised care I could give to women labouring in their own homes. It worked because I could build trusting relationships with the women I looked after, and trust reduces fear, which in turn helps labour to progress. But also it meant that if I felt, as a professional and accountable midwife, that we should transfer to hospital, then I would be trusted by her to make that decision with her’s and the baby’s best interests at heart. I’d still have needed to fight her corner on the labour ward; I’d have felt the need to defend her choice to have attempted a home birth; and mine, to make her choice possible. Such defensiveness wasn’t terribly conducive to good care because no one is at their best if they feel judged. Maybe I was just lucky but I never had any home birth disasters so my gut feeling that homebirths are safe remain unchallenged in my world, although many would beg to differ. But no-one is ever being forced to have a home birth. Those who choose this are counselled about the possible risks (and also the benefits) and, in London at least, a quick transfer to hospital is made possible by our wonderful ambulance service should it become necessary. But here’s the thing: fear is what motivates both the homebirthers and the give-me-all-the-drugs camp. For the former, hospital is a truly dreadful place where only terrible things happen and they could never feel safe there. For the latter, childbirth is an emergency waiting to happen and hospital is the only sensible place to be if you want to be safe. And of course, both can be true. There are risks to both settings but all health care professionals work extremely hard to mitigate those risks. And if a woman wants a planned cesarean because she is terrified of labour, we’ll explain the risks and benefits and the alternatives, then let her choose. We don’t have to agree. We just have to make her feel safe and listened to. If she wants a home birth because she’s terrified of hospitals, same principles apply. Our cesarean seeker may end up delivering at home with the ambulance crew, our hypnobirthing home labourer might end up in hospital. There’s no certainty. But we do our best. We listen. We don’t judge. It’s the least we can do and it really isn’t that hard.

So it’s all about listening, and working out what it is the other side fears because even when you truly believe that your side can only benefit humanity, thereby making it hard to imagine what the other side could possibly fear, you will always be surprised by how wrong you will be.

Let’s dive right in with a super emotive highly divisive topic: Trans rights activists vs women’s rights, the so-called TERFs (trans exclusion radical feminists). It cannot be denied that some people feel beyond a doubt that they were born in the wrong body. It is a reality that cannot be changed any more than one’s sexual orientation. I don’t need to have experienced this to understand how distressing that must be. I can’t overstate how important it is to emphasise that, while lived experience allows for true empathy, not having it doesn’t preclude someone from being deeply and genuinely sympathetic.  One of my first posts on this blog discusses whether I was a better midwife after having had kids, and how annoyed I was that my extensive training was deemed insufficient until I had, even though by that logic a GP would have to spend their whole life off sick experiencing all the ailments that they are expected to treat, just to be taken seriously… balderdash! We all have our own unique lived experience which makes our gut instinct feel so real,which tends to make us intransigent. These instincts prevent us from even asking what other perspectives might be: sometimes we don’t even realise there are other perspectives. There always are. Lived experience makes an issue (any issue) personal. And once it’s personal, you got skin in the game, you ain’t backing down. So you can be a chilled, balanced individual for most aspects of life but one or two things get your goat and you can’t even contemplate thinking about the opposite viewpoints. We all have one or two of those bugbears, you know the ones, the don’t-get-me-started, don’t-even-go-there so-strong-it’s-literally-visceral opinions. Sometimes these opinions creep up on you and then, equally insidiously, they solidify but we should try not to let that happen as this leads to intransigence. We should strive to keep an open mind, because things do change, new data does come out, and it’s OK to stay curious! So, my views on the trans question  has evolved over time. When we first started talking about it, maybe 10 years ago, I was all live and let live, what’s the big deal, if people feel so strongly about gender reassignment, I’m OK with that. And sure we can all share toilets, I mean, no biggie, there’s cubicles for privacy, right? And of course, I still think that but… I may have a few caveats… I’m a midwife and we are trained to always consider the possibility of domestic violence, to ask every woman about it several times in her pregnancy. It happens mostly to women, mostly by men. (Not all men. Not the vast majority of men, but still). When it happens to a boy or man, the perpetrator is still usually (but not always) a biological man. So letting trans women into a domestic violence refuge or a female prison seems problematic. Flagging this small risk up as an issue can seem petty but problems have occurred (namely in a Scottish prison) and for too many years, you could lose your job for daring to voice those concerns. No matter how respectful you were in stating your case. See Kathleen Stock. And JK Rowling. Neither of these women argued that trans people should have zero rights, only that perhaps the trans movement had gone a wee bit too far. Trans women in women’s sports? Not exactly fair. Conversely, a trans man wouldn’t even qualify for a man’s sporting event no matter how much testosterone he took so he wouldn’t have to worry about taking a biological man’s place on a podium. A woman is no threat to a man, even if she becomes a man. Trans women in a female changing room? Could be dodgy… I mean, gay men can’t just waltz in announcing that it’s OK because they don’t fancy us, that’s not how it works! If I were to self identify as a man in order to use the gent’s (let’s face it, no queues) well, I’d have to check for urinals. Because if I can’t pee standing up, I’ve no business being in that toilet! I suspect the presence of a biological woman checking out the guys at their most vulnerable wouldn’t be tolerated. Quite right too. Look, I know how lucky I am to be cis (and straight and white and able-bodied), I can’t imagine living in this female body, knowing intrinsically that there’s been a horrible mistake… I know I’d want to explore every possible avenue to correct it. I’d want others to use my pronouns. I’d expect to be treated with the same respect as the next person. But mostly I’d be scared. Scared of being misunderstood, scared of being abused, scared of being judged. And let’s face it, my lived experience would probably confirm all these fears on a daily basis thereby increasing my urge to shout about the horror, to raise awareness so others don’t have to endure what I am suffering. And because my pain is real, and my intentions are pure, I’d struggle (if I were a trans woman) to comprehend the women who ought to be my allies but who can’t accept me in their spaces just because others (while claiming to be like me) might take advantage. I might be tempted to turn on those would be sisters (who are already struggling with the disadvantages of being female and who have learnt the hard way not to take anything for granted) calling them out as trans exclusion radical feminists when actually they are just scared women striving to survive in a man’s world. The fear is real, and no-one is immune. We can reduce the fear and reach consensus by keeping considerate, respectful dialogue open. No opinion should be off limits. Also, we should be able to use our common sense. For some trans women, a female only space may well be the safest place and when that’s the case, she should be welcomed.  Compassion and good sense will always guide us to the elusive middle ground.

Gender wars are another contentious issue at the moment. Obviously (this will surprise no-one) I come at this one from a feminist perspective. By feminist, I don’t mean women are better than men: we are different but equal.  We can’t compete in men’s sports because we’re simply not as strong. All our spare capacity goes into creating the next generation and that’s pretty awesome. But I am very conscious that the boys and men who subscribe to misogynistic content are basically very scared guys who genuinely don’t know any better. They are led to believe that women have taken over the world despite all the evidence to the contrary. They worry about unfair rape convictions, (even an allegation can be unbelievably damaging) despite streams of stats showing that time and again, rape cases don’t even make it to court, let alone result in conviction. But it’s undeniably true that every other blue moon, a woman will falsely accuse a man and such an accusation is really damaging. Men understandably worry that they cannot protect themselves from such an unfounded accusation. The fear is real even if I suspect there’s a lot of what-iffery. But we have to take the what-iffery into consideration without poo-pooing it on principle. People get  fixated on those worst case what-ifs all the time. As a midwife, I am constantly having to discuss the what-ifs of birth, and it’s difficult because everyone knows someone who knows someone who’s experienced something terrible and now they are terrified it’ll happen to them. And of course I can’t deny that sometimes terrible things happen. But , here’s the thing: mostly they don’t. What’s more, if they should occur, you can seek redress and you will be heard. It can take a while, I will admit. The wheels of justice turn slowly. But women who are found guilty of falsely accusing men of rape (rightly) face very severe penalties. It took a while, but Andrew Tate is facing trial in Romania and criminal charges in the UK, and Trump is also in the docks. That may only serve to turn them into martyrs but I for one am willing to take that risk! Both these despicable men exploit people’s fears and amplify them which causes division where there should be solidarity. Fearful people see danger everywhere, and sometimes that’s fair enough because their lived experience is demonstrably hideous and unfair, and we should strive  to improve their lives. But not at the expense of other blameless victims. It’s the classic divide and conquer which has been used since the beginning of time by the most powerful men to make sure that all the oppressed people don’t actually unite and rise up as one. And we fall for it time and again. Because fear makes us dumb and easy to manipulate; it guides us blithely and unthinkingly away from the middle ground towards the edge of reason, right into the conflict zone. And that’s not good. We should celebrate people like Caitlin Moran who took a deep dive into the pain that some men feel, and gently reminds them that we should all be fighting oppression. (Also worth listening to the BBC radio 4 podcast called Boys, it explains so much…) The simple truth is that we will all benefit from equal rights and justice for men and women. People like Kathleen Stock and JK Rowling (https://www.jkrowling.com/opinions/j-k-rowling-writes-about-her-reasons-for-speaking-out-on-sex-and-gender-issues/) who gently remind us that being a trans woman isn’t exactly  the same as being a woman (different but equal). And that these differences, in some circumstances, can be a problem.

But there’s always plenty of middle ground, and we can all co-exist peacefully if we behave with compassion, common sense and care.